Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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