from now on my penis is your penis
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
