Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
