I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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