don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
