i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
