something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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