I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
