My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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