9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
