Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
