The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Quick, to the slutcave!
she smelled like a LAN party
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
