remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
