apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
