i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
