i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
