I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When did angry sex become our thing?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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