win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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