We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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