well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
