my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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