I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
