shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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