So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
