apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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