yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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