I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
