I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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