life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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