We named our party play list daddy issues
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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