Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
