I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize