Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
