In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this beer tastes like vomit already
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
