I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
