We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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