So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
