my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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