So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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