the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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