Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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