there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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