mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
