I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
