just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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