I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
