why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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