im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
