a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
