I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
