cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
