just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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