Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
