we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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