I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
