I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
